8/4/13
Yesterday, I was awakened upon our arrival
at Anand’s house and my heart felt disheveled, disoriented, and dark. As the
evening progressed, the terrors of hell and dark despair fell upon my
soul. The pangs of condemnation and fears of judgment overwhelmed me. The
weight of my sin, my lack of surrender, my idolatry of my own desires, and my
past and current ignorance of the statutes of the Lord flooded my soul. “For
innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon
me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine
head: therefore my heart faileth me” (Ps 40:12). In the peaks of
lowness, I feared that I was beyond hope. Would He would ever receive
me? In my tears the words, “he found no place for repentance, though he
sought it carefully with tears” (Heb 12:17) haunted me. Though conscious of a massive
lack of utmost surrender of all aspects of my life to Christ at the present
time, I was unable to characterize my sins specifically. I knew that the verse
I had heard from my brother the prior day was not characterizing large portions
of my existence: “ I am
crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me:
and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of
God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” (Gal 2:20)
By His grace I could not doubt His loving kindness
entirely. I scoured through the Scriptures for Words of comfort and hope, signs
that His eye was still towards me…that He had not cast me off, that He would
send forth His Word to heal me, that He would again lift up my head. Oh, praise
my dear Lord. He is my dear Lord. He loves me still! I was directed to numerous
passages. This particular passage administered great healing to my soul.
5 For thy
Maker is thine husband; the Lord of
hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the
whole earth shall he be called. 6 For the Lord hath called thee as a woman
forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused,
saith thy God. 7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee;
but with great mercies will I gather thee. 8 In a little
wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will
I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy
Redeemer. 9 For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for
as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so
have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee.10 For
the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not
depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith theLord that hath mercy on thee. (Is
54)
His
unfailing Spirit moved my heart to repent. Though I had a general sense of the weight
of my own sin before, now the Spirit brought a clarity of conviction to my
rebellious grieving of Himself. I confessed a lack of trust in the goodness of
God towards me evidenced by an inner fear of future loneliness and abandonment
that would occur if the local church is not established and/or if all who
believe beside me depart from me or turn aside from Christ. The loneliness was
also wrought by the minority of saints who understood my recent doctrinal
conversion. I confessed a partial hypocrisy in my love for the saints. Much of
my love was of Him, but there was an aspect of hypocrisy, a
manifestation of a desire to please men rather than God that I repented of. I
was filled with the desire to love in complete sincerity and Truth. I confessed
longings and desires which, at times, had surpassed my longings for Christ
Himself : my longing for Anand to be justified
before the Lord and men and filled with deep assurance, my longing to be Spiritually
convinced of all doctrinal knowledge in accordance with the Truth, my longing to be surrounded by fervent followers of Christ… I
cried out to the Lord that I could not deny these longings. They have been
there, and they are not wicked inherently, but the times when they surpassed
the longing for Christ, they became idolatrous and were as bitter roots that
arose to defile and corrupt my pure and sincere devotion to Christ. I cried out
to the Lord to help me love dad and mom: to respect them, and not to be
embittered in any way. I confessed my neglect of their Spiritual well-being and
joy. They deserve my full respect and devotion. I pleaded with Him to grant me
His favor to honor them as I ought.
The time of prayer
yesterday I believe, by His grace, was one of Godly sorrow that led to
repentance. I felt the Lord commanding me to “wait thou ONLY upon God”, and to not “need” for my will to be done,
but to fully surrender to His will. And along with this surrender to enter His place of child-like
rest, contentment, and joy in the future. According to His New Covenant, He truly
does not turn away from me to do me good, and He has placed the fear of Himself
with me that I do not depart from Him (Jer 32:40). Also, during the time that I
intently turned the pages of the Scriptures, I felt the Lord convince me of two
things: 1) the doctrine I have become convinced of recently stands: a believer
can fall away, and we are warned to continue in His love, 2) I must never stop believing
in His eternal covenant of love towards me, ordered and secured in all things.
Laboring to enter His rest means laboring to believe in His finished work. “Salvation
is of the Lord” (Jon 2:9). In order to be saved, we must continue in
our doctrine (1 Tim 4:16), and we are receiving the end of our faith, the
salvation of our souls (1 Pet 1:19). There is an absolute necessity to believe
that the One who called me is faithful and He will preserve my whole soul,
spirit, and body, blameless at His coming (1 Thess 5:23-24) and that He is able
to keep me from stumbling. My new understanding of eternal security is not so
much removing my past understanding of my Good Shepherd, but rather adding new
warning, conviction, zeal, and intensity of pursuit of Him to my life. As He
was cleansing me of idolatrous longings, I felt Him strengthen my heart. Oh
praise Him praise Him praise Him!
8/5/13
My prayer time this evening started with a
sorrow that had been building throughout the day since my morning prayer time.
I had read Acts 1-14 and noted that the consistent message of the apostles was
Christ crucified, risen, and ascended and the call to men to repent and believe
for the forgiveness of sins that times of refreshing may follow. This is our doctrine.
THIS IS THE DOCTRINE OF THE SAINTS. My heart’s cry was, “Lord if you do not rend the heavens and come down that the mountains
might flow down at Thy Presence then I have nothing. WE, YOUR PEOPLE, HAVE
NOTHING (Is 64:1)” I was convinced of the utter futility of my own thoughts
and words, and the thoughts and words of other saints, apart from the very life
of Christ invading our midst, the very pouring out of the Spirit among us and
within us. Every word spoken, every action taken, every decision made, every
intellectual figment of the mind, every pondering of the heart…everything was
IMPOTENT. Impotent, powerless, weak, flimsy if HE DOES NOT REVEAL HIMSELF. We
need HIM. We need to hear a Word from HIM. We need to see HIS power and glory.
He comforted me with words from Isaiah 32, “Behold, a king shall reign in
righteousness, and princes shall rule in judgment. 2 And a man shall be as an hiding place from the wind, and a
covert from the tempest; as rivers of water in a dry place, as the shadow of a
great rock in a weary land. 3 And the
eyes of them that see shall not be dim, and the ears of them that hear shall
hearken. 4 The
heart also of the rash shall understand knowledge, and the tongue of the
stammerers shall be ready to speak plainly. 5 The
vile person shall be no more called liberal, nor the churl said to be
bountiful. 6 For the
vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise
hypocrisy, and to utter error against the Lord, to make
empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to
fail. 7 The instruments also of the churl are evil: he
deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words, even when the
needy speaketh right. 8 But the
liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand.”
…
“13 Upon
the land of my people shall come up thorns and briers; yea, upon all the houses
of joy in the joyous city: 14 Because the palaces shall be
forsaken; the multitude of the city shall be left; the forts and towers shall
be for dens for ever, a joy of wild asses, a pasture of flocks;15 Until
the Spirit be poured upon us from on high, and the wilderness be a fruitful
field, and the fruitful field be counted for a forest. 16 Then
judgment shall dwell in the wilderness, and righteousness remain in the fruitful
field. 17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace;
and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever. 18 And
my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in
quiet resting places; 19 When it shall hail, coming down
on the forest; and the city shall be low in a low place. 20 Blessed
are ye that sow beside all waters, that send forth thither the feet of the ox
and the ass.” (Is 32)
I praise the Lord that
He has made me to put my hope in Him. He has made me long to worship Him in the
presence of His saints. Oh the joy of praising Him for His atonement with the
other saints! I want to be in an assembly of saints day after day joyfully rejoicing
in His great salvation. I have nothing but Him. The motivation of my mortal frame
dies without His reviving presence. O Lord, be gracious unto us; we have waited
for Thee. Be Thou our arm every morning, our salvation also in the time of
trouble. You, Lord are exalted for You dwell on high: You have filled Zion with
judgment and righteousness. And WISDOM and KNOWLEDGE shall be the STABILITY of
Thy times, and SRENGTH of SALVATION: the FEAR OF THE LORD is my treasure. (Is
33: 2,5,6) I knew in my rested soul that He has made me to fear Him. What great
joy there is in fearing Him alone! Mine eyes shall see the King in His beauty.
The glorious Lord will be unto us a place of broad rivers and streams; wherein
shall go no galley with oars, neither shall gallant ship pass thereby. For the
Lord is our Judge, the Lord is our Lawgiver, the Lord is our King; HE WILL SAVE
US. (Is 33:17, 21,22)
Oh my dear Christ tells
me that I shall be hated of all men for His Name’s sake. But there shall not an
hair of my head perish. In my patience possess I my soul. Soon I will see the
Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. And when these things
begin to come to pass, then may I look up, and lift up my head; for our redemption
draweth nigh. Heaven and earth shall pass away; but His Words shall not pass
away. He tells me to watch therefore and pray always, that I be counted worthy
to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son
of Man. (Luke 21: 17-19, 27-28, 33, 36)
Whatever the future
holds, His promise of eternal life and redemption through the blood of the Lamb
endures. Help me Lord to build my house on the Rock of Christ, to put on the
whole armor of God that I truly may stand and not faint in these evil days. I poured
out my soul with tears for Anand, Chris, Selah, and Jessica. May the Lord turn my heart ever so violently towards
dad and mom that I may zealously pursue their progress in the faith.
